How Much Longer?

You can always feel it coming from months away, but it's always just a whisper. So, you try to drown out the whisper by going about your days as normal. You meet obligations: driving to the airport, meeting friends for coffee, wine tasting, discovering your new (to you) favorite band, visiting with family, birthday parties, grocery shopping. 

The whisper is still there and it's loudest in the morning when you take your first conscious breath. "Are you really going to go through all this again? Is it worth it?"

Your heart starts beating faster and jolts of electricity run through you, and you'd swear that the neighborhood can see the blue from the light. But no one acknowledges it. 

This happens every morning for a week. 

You slowly start to back out of obligations: the other birthday party, the dinner with your favorite people, the coffee meetup. The thought of gluing yourself together and leaving the house doesn't even seem possible. There just isn't enough eye concealer in all of capitalism to hide the fact that you aren't sleeping and crying too much.

You cry. 

How much longer?

You don't allow yourself to look at the news because it's not helpful. Then you feel guilty for not keeping up with the news. 

You cry.

You stand in the sunshine with your sunglasses and sunhat on trying to absorb any type of warmth because everything feels cold. You feel like a corpse and half expect your neighbor to notice this when they come over to say "hi",  but instead you say "hi!" and smile and they chat with you about...well, you don't really remember. Something about Texas weather.  They didn't notice your corpse-ness. You feel exhausted after this five minute exchange of words and lie down in the dark bedroom.

Then it's the next week.

After making the mistake of checking the news and seeing a photo of starving Gazan children you try to remember to eat so that you don't get so tired. You choke down your lunch with a side of tears.

How much longer?

You go for walks that, to the outsider, may look like you're trying to outpace a coyote. No, you're just trying to outpace your Anxiety and it's hefty sister, Depression.

You want to just sleep. Each time you try to lie down and rest to help wipe your mind, it doesn't always wash over you and so you're still dirty with Anxiety and Depression. 

You still find joy in some things, but most things, no. Sometimes food tastes like cardboard. You feel contaminated, contagious, and you don't want others to catch it; this thing you have. There's no x-ray or blood test to show what you're feeling or why this is happening, exactly. 

It's cyclical. This has happened before and you're doing all the things you're supposed to do in times like this: Take your medication (be better at this!), check in with your doctor, no alcohol, very little to no caffeine, exercise, get rest, eat, etc, etc. 

You don't know how to move through this world at times, many of the times. Especially in this time. 

And there's always one question that is never answered til you finally feel like yourself again...

How much longer?

*****************************

You're not alone.
You're not alone.
You're not alone.